I guess when I publicly share my ugliest secrets on a blog, I require a few months before follow up.
Or maybe I'm still just emotionally overwhelmed with gratitude for the immense and, to be honest, unexpected positive response that I received from many people. It is a real blessing to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Thank you all for your loving kindness and understanding!
Several of you who read my last post (in which I tell my story of pornography addiction) had asked that I respond to some truly thoughtful and fantastic questions, so I do apologize for shelving my response for so long.
Writing is therapeutic for me, especially when I am depressed or experiencing some shame (self-loathing or worthlessness, not guilt). So I'm going to be vulnerable right now—shocker, right?—and say that I am, at the moment, experiencing some significant inner turmoil related to depression and shame. My mind can be really good at tormenting me sometimes even if I'm continually practicing a healthy response to it all. I'm an addict, folks. It's part of my life. That's perfect though, because it will help me write this post!
As I illustrated in my previous post, I grew up in a culture whose fear-based negativity towards sexuality plays a primary part in the foundation for a life of shame, self-loathing, and denial. This compounded the shame that I had already developed around my own sexuality because of trauma. Often I am asked: How could conversations about sexuality and shame have gone differently for you? What advice do you have for ecclesiastical leaders and parents?
To answer this question, we must first be real about what pornography addiction is. It is a mental illness. It is a disease. For example, my mind is literally trying to work against me right now to cause me to feel shame and self-loathing about opening myself up to you all in such a public way. Annoying, right?! At the same time, though, part of me does recognize that these shame-based feelings are actually symptoms of an illness. Recognizing this mental breakdown and shame-dance for the illness that it is has helped me to begin a real recovery. Viewing my compulsive, morally-incongruent, pornography-viewing sexual behavior as part of a mental illness was a necessary first step for me to begin the recovery process.
Part of the social dialogue that needs to change is that we need to stop talking about pornography addiction as something that results from sin. The addiction itself actually has very little to do with sin and almost everything to do with the shame, brain chemistry, and faulty core beliefs that lead to rationalization and denial. Sinful behavior is what often results from the compulsive behavior and that's as far as the connection between the sin and the disease goes. Jesus Christ's infinite atoning sacrifice, in my experience, applies to both the illness of addiction and the sexual sin in different—but equally beautiful—ways. Relying upon God, a higher power, to aid in my recovery process has been so much more meaningful to me as I understand more clearly the difference between the illness and the sin.
Another part of our social dialogue that needs to change is our fear-based emphasis on sexuality as sin. Fear is the archenemy of true recovery and mental health. We do place a great deal of emphasis on sexual morality in our religious culture. However, instead of a balanced approach that emphasizes both the boundaries and beauties inherent to healthy human sexuality, we generally—with a few noteworthy exceptions from past discourses and also from some very recent instructional media resources—teach avoidance and fear of it. In my experience, this fear-based focus on sexuality is just as bad, if not worse, than that of popular media's morally relativistic approach.
The reason why our religious society's fear-based approach might be worse than popular media's approach? S-H-A-M-E.
Growing up, I rarely ever heard anyone talk about the beauty of sexual intimacy and the realities of sexual development and exploration in adolescents without in some way attempting to instill a fear of sexual immorality in my heart and soul. I felt like the adults in my life—on occasion even my own parents, who generally taught out of pure love and with openness about sexuality—were teaching me this fear of sexuality because they themselves were afraid that I would make mistakes. I felt like they didn't trust me to be able to make moral decisions about my sexuality without fearing it. This consistent placement of fear into sexuality compounded with the sexual trauma I had experienced as a child and then later on with the shame of pornography addiction. To be completely honest, I still struggle quite a bit to convince myself that my own sexuality and desire for sexual intimacy with my companion is not disgusting, wrong, or even abhorrent.
What if every ecclesiastical leader or parent—when approached by a confused and guilt-ridden youth who, in a moment of raw vulnerability, confessed that they were having some immoral thoughts and were masturbating because they saw a pornographic image on their friend's smart phone and couldn't stop thinking about it—said the following. "I'm sorry you've been some experiencing some confusing struggles. I've been there. I've seen pornographic images, too, and I know what it's like to struggle with inappropriate thoughts. And nearly everyone, including me, has experimented with masturbation at some point in their lives. It's a part of growing up and being human. There are boundaries that God has given us for sexuality, though. Let's talk about that. What do you understand about..." Coupled with a loving discussion of our understanding of the boundaries God has set for us regarding our sexuality, this response would reinforce spiritual self-reliance and discovery, self-validation, and a realization of self-worth all at the same time!
They are few and far between, but believe it or not, I intimately know a couple of individuals who have experienced this kind of response from a leader or a parent and guess what!? THEY AREN'T ADDICTS! These people don't talk about sexuality in fear or shame.
I have been asked how my experience with recovery from addiction and shame has changed how I communicate with my children about pornography and sexuality. The hypothetical response that I just outlined is my answer to that question. I do my best to be appropriately open and vulnerable about my own experiences with sexuality. I acknowledge the moral boundaries that a loving God has placed for me and as I teach my children about these boundaries, I try to not to be shaming nor to teach through fear.
I think I understand why parents and youth leaders experience fear when we teach sexual morality. We are afraid that if we give our children the slightest bit of freedom to experience normal human sexual development and exploration—teaching them correct principles without striking fear into their hearts—they will make those "big" mistakes we are all so afraid of making ourselves. What is terribly ironic about all this is that the fearful way that we teach our youth may likely become part of the force in their lives that drives them into the very errors that we are so desperate for them not to make. Why can't we trust our youth and trust the God who put them here? Why can't we be confident that as we teach our precious children correct principles by connecting with them in love and understanding, they will grow in strength, knowledge, and virtue? Our children will make some mistakes. They won't be perfect, but they will be able to recover from their mistakes in such a healthier, better way without the barriers of shame and fear.
We can have strict moral standards and still treat human sexuality as something to learn and to develop, not something to fear. We can have conversations about the consequences of sexual immorality without attempting to hammer the wedge of fear into each other's hearts.
My experiences over the last few years have led me to believe that if I want to be a positive influence on my children I need be vulnerable with them. My children and I need to develop a real connection and that requires patience, vulnerability, understanding, and courage.
The New Testament apostle John the Beloved received the revelation that "...perfect love casteth out fear..." (1 John 4:18). I'm trying not to be afraid when I teach my children and when I share an open dialogue with those around me. I want profound, healthy connectivity with my family, my friends, and my God. I want that perfect love, free from fear. This is the power that forces the shame and addiction out of my life. This is how I heal.
